Coming Out and Staying Out

Introduction

This guide has been written for gay and bisexual men of all ages who are thinking of coming out. We know that making the decision to come out can be scary and stressful; we also know that it can be exciting and like a weight has been lifted off your shoulder. It is for these reasons that we have put together this guide. Useful information and other people's experiences can help you to prepare for some of the experiences that coming out to family and friends may bring.

Coming out is different for every person. We have tried to answer some of the questions that are regularly asked, although in reality, this guide is likely to prompt more questions than it answers. If you get to the end of this guide remember you can always call to talk through any issues with us in the office.

This guide has been written with the United Kingdom in mind, please remember if you live outside the UK that some of the information will not apply to where you live. For example, in some countries being homosexual is still illegal, or attitudes towards being gay or bisexual can be so severe that coming out is not safe. Use the web to look for more information about how things are where you live.

Good Luck!

Being gay

In simple terms, being gay means that you are sexually attracted to members of your own sex it doesn’t necessarily mean that you identify with other gay people or the larger gay community. There are many gay men who don’t hang around in gay bars and don’t have loads of gay friends but are still happy and confident about their sexuality.

Why am I gay?

Nobody knows for sure why some of us are gay and some of us are not. Lots of theories have been put forward ranging from genetic differences to overbearing parents. The evidence so far suggests that random genetic factors play a part in determining our sexuality in the same way they play a part in determining our hair colour or left-handedness.

One thing that we do know is that you don’t ‘choose’ your sexuality, although some people might suggest this. Many gay people knew they were different from a very young age, they may not have called it ‘being gay’, but as we grow that difference becomes much easier to place and define. It is said that our sexuality is determined by the age of 12 or 13 and probably 16 at the latest.

By and large, society tends to assume that everyone is, or wants to be, heterosexual. This is known as heterosexism. Some people continue to believe that it is a choice and that we can be persuaded into heterosexuality. By assuming heterosexuality, society still allows prejudice to exist about the gay community and this is why it is often difficult for people to come out at school, at work or at home.

Growing up gay

For many young gay or bisexual people, growing up is full of anxiety, confusion, fear and tension. Gay teenagers often become painfully aware that they are not like other people and many become withdrawn and lonely, convinced that only they are feeling this way. Many learn to hide their true feelings or act as others want them to, for fear of being ostracised, ridiculed or rejected by loved ones and friends. If you are in any secondary school anywhere in the UK you will probably here young people using the word ‘gay’ as a slang word for ‘bad’, ‘rubbish’ or ‘naff’. This means that for many young people they have it reinforced on a daily basis that ‘gay’ is a bad thing. It’s not and if you are feeling like this then it would be really good for you to talk to someone. You can either call us at the office or look at the links page for more information, we recommend checking out www.bgiok.org.uk.

Gay and Married

Some people believe that if they get married their gay feelings will disappear. It is unusual for this to happen and many marriages break down after bringing with it a great deal of stress and anxiety. Coming out to ex-wifes/husbands can be particularly stressful and can leave people feeling a whole host of emotions. Our advice is to make sure that you are doing it for the right reason. If you are coming out to hurt someone it is for the wrong reason. If you are doing it to clear things up and be honest with your ex partner then whatever happens you will have gone into it with the right attitude.

Gay Parents

Coming out as a gay parent has particular challenges. Breaking out of a clearly defined role, or even attempting to shift the definition of it, involves tremendous courage and strength. The conflict between the relationship of dad/mum verses the need to be themselves can be enormous. Coming out to children of any age can have positives and negatives. Make sure that you have chance to talk to your children when they and you are both calm and have loads of time and space to talk. Be prepared to answer lots of questions. Children don’t have the same sense of taboo that adults have and re-assure them that you haven’t grown two heads and you aren’t going to change over night. There are some great kids books that deal with gay relationships in a positive way. For a list of these please contact us at the office.

Coming out

There are several stages in the process of coming out. It's your life so take your time - do things for you and only when you are ready.

Coming out to yourself

It may be helpful to ask yourself some of the questions that come up later in this guide, as it is more than likely that others will ask you them at some point. Don't rehearse your answers but think of your reasons - it will make you and your discussions stronger and more assured.

Acknowledging that you are gay can take many years. Some of us probably hoped these feelings were "just a phase". In time, we realise that these feelings are not just a phase and we have to find a way of accepting them and dealing with the fact that we are sexually attracted to members of our own sex.

This realisation is the first stage of coming out. There is no hard and fast rule when this point is reached. For some it happens in their teens, for others it may happen much later in life. Some people describe this time of accepting their sexuality as though they were riding an emotional rollercoaster. One day they felt happy and confident and ready to tell everyone; the next they felt confused, scared and relieved that they hadn't.

So you still want to come out?

This is a nerve racking time: What are people going to say? Are you going to have negative responses? Who should you tell first? What are you going to say?

The fear of rejection is likely to be immense, this is a perfectly normal feeling, but it is often an untrue feeling. Yes you might loose some friends, yes your family might find it hard to come to terms with, you have to ask yourself what costs you are prepared to pay?

Going Public

The next stage involves going public in some way, this is also known as "coming out of the closet".

Who you tell next is really up to you. You may decide to tell your best friend or a member of your family. Just make sure that whoever you choose you trust them not to get on the phone as soon as you have left and tell the world. Try and think of someone who you think will be positive about your coming out and will be able to support you through the rest of your journey.

Many gay people describe how important it is to first tell someone outside the family. Make sure it's someone you trust and who you believe to be open minded and supportive. Be careful if you decide to confide in a teacher at school - they may be obliged to tell someone else what you have told them. Find out the school policy on confidentiality before you go ahead.

If you have decided to tell your family it may be easier to talk to one parent or sibling before the other. You could then ask them for help to approach other family members.

There are a number of typical responses that parents, particularly, are known to say: "How can you be sure?", "It’s a phase", "You'll grow out of it", "You haven't tried hard enough with the opposite sex" and "How can you know at your age?" We have listed them here because they may help you to think of your answers to them. You might find it helpful to discuss these questions first with a trusted friend or a lesbian and gay helpline or by calling us.

Remember also that this can be a difficult time for some of your family and friends. Just think of how long it has taken you to get used to the idea that you are gay and don’t expect them to be fine with everything straight away. your family. You may feel unable to answer all their questions or to deal with all of the issues that come up for them. They, in turn, may not feel comfortable talking about homosexuality or bisexuality with you. There is a support group for parents which produces booklets written specially for parents and friends, they are called FFLAG and you can get their details from the links page.

When should I tell them?

When it comes to coming out, timing is an important consideration. Choose the moment carefully - do it when you (and they) have lots of time - not last thing at night when you are likely to be more tired and emotional... Think about the way you are feeling, allowing for nerves, which are perfectly natural under the circumstances, don't do it if you are feeling angry or emotionally sensitive - this will affect what you say and how you say it. For obvious reasons don't do it when you are drunk (even if you think you need a drink to steady your nerves).

And remember - only when you are good and ready.

Consequences and reactions

So you've told someone. You are either balancing on the edge of an erupting volcano or dancing with joy on the moon (or both!). Some people describe a huge weight being lifted from their shoulders, of feeling euphoric and giggly and childlike again.

Don't feel guilty about it - go on and enjoy yourself, you deserve it. The thrill of revealing something long kept hidden can give a tremendous sense of relief.

Use this new found energy wisely and remember that close friends and family may be worried that you have changed out of all recognition. Reassure them that you have changed - and for the better and that you are simply exploring a new part of you, one that you have probably hidden for a long time.

If it hasn't gone too well - don't lose heart. Although it’s clichéd, time is a great healer and things will get better. If you are experiencing rejection from some close friends, ask yourself if they were really so close that they couldn't support you through this. If your family is reacting badly they may be experiencing a whole range of emotions including shock, grief, guilt, blame, disappointment and lots of pain. Try to keep communication open, but at the same time don’t allow people to make you feel bad about being honest with them.

Remember how long it took for you to come to terms with being gay. Many parents will feel a loss in some way - perhaps of future grandchildren or weddings and other family gatherings. This can blur their happiness and their love for you. At the end of the day, your parents are still your parents and, in time, few reject their children because they are gay. If they go quiet on you, give them time to react and the opportunity to think about what you have told them. If they ask lots of questions, it's a good sign. It may help to think of it as though it is in your interests to respond to them - they are likely to be the same ones that you have asked yourself many times along the way.

If things are so bad that you feel like giving up with the whole process of coming out, it's important to talk to someone about your fears and concerns. Just remember; You have come a long way and you should be proud of yourself. In many ways it would be difficult or impossible to go back now. The next person you talk to will probably give you a huge hug and say that they were relieved that you had found the courage to tell them.

What do I do now?

Most importantly remember that being gay is about expressing yourself in the way YOU want to. Despite the stereotypes, there is no single way of being gay. We are all as different as any other group of people.

Going out with friends and meeting new ones at clubs or parties can be great. But the scene isn't for everybody and it's not everything there is to being gay. Most towns and cities have gay social groups. These can be excellent places to meet new people and to find out what there is to do locally and most will arrange to meet first time visitors beforehand.

As with any group of people, there will be some you get on with and some you won't. If you feel that you have little in common with the gay people you have met so far, you could try different ways of contacting more gay men, for example as pen pals, or through the many special interest gay groups (like gay men's choirs or gay football supporters networks) or using the internet..

There's no doubt that having a positive attitude towards yourself goes a long way to keeping healthy. It's also important, in whatever you do, that you look after yourself and consider your actions in relation to others. Whatever you do and however you do it enjoy yourself. There is loads more information on this site about sexual health and living healthily as a gay man and if you look at the links page you will be able to check out other support, advice or social groups.